How to Deal with the Fear of Being a Police Wife

 

I have been receiving lots of emails from girls recently who read my Tips for Being a Happy Police Wife asking me how I deal with the fear.  Most of these girls are newlyweds or are about to marry a policeman and they all have one thing in common:  they’re scared.  They are scared about their husband being killed, hurt, and they are also scared about that dreaded schedule which…let’s face it…kinda stinks sometimes.  I had a police wife tell me the other day that she HATES  the sound of the Velcro on her husband’s vest because that means another shift is starting.

Now we’ve been living the police life since 2009 and my husband is now a police pilot…so if I wasn’t nervous enough, now we add in a crashing element 🙂  JK  I have learned a few tricks for how to stay “fear-free” and I can honestly say that I very rarely get scared about his safety now.

How to Handle the Fear of Being a Police Wife:  Tips to Keep you Sane!

Ok here are my little bits of “police wife” wisdom for anyone with a husband who is a policeman, fireman, or even military for that matter:

Don’t watch “police themed” shows or war movies.  I used to like CSI and war movies but after I became a police wife I couldn’t do it anymore.  They are too real to me and they put fake scenarios in your head that don’t happen very often.  They are designed to scare and excite and police wives just don’t need that.

Never watch their tape or read their reports from a bad incident.  This is probably a no-no anyways but it can be very upsetting.

Don’t watch the news before bed when they are working nights.  Not only can the news usually wait until the morning, it might actually scare you at night when you are home alone.  You don’t need to know who Isis killed that day or how someone was murdered down the street right before you go to sleep.

Be careful reading Police Wife support groups.  I have never read these before and I am sure they have a good purpose, but I have heard from readers that this is where women sometimes share their husband’s most exciting, scary stories.  That is not going to help your fear one little bit.  Instead, read your bible.  I PROMISE that will help you more than those groups or even this post 🙂

Tell them if you are scared.  My husband knows when I get scared about something that happened to him.  There were a few times when I asked him not to tell me all of the details because I knew it would send me into a fear spiral that would take weeks to climb out of.  He had other people he could tell so he was okay with it.

Finally, don’t assume the worst.  If you have tried to call him five times and he hasn’t answered, don’t assume he’s in a ditch somewhere.  He’s probably getting coffee with his police buddies sharing stories about drunks.  🙂

How do you handle the fear of your husband’s job?  I would love to hear some new ideas or strategies!

*Keep your comments constructive and friendly…I won’t approve any “hate comments” but I will approve and reply to comments that agree or don’t agree with me that might be helpful to others 🙂

By |2015-07-02T20:42:33+00:00February 24th, 2015|58 Comments

58 Comments

  1. nc_momof3 August 23, 2017 at 11:40 am - Reply

    My husband left the road and is now a detective in a pretty rough city. I’m a stay at home mom of three kids ages 8, 11, and 15. He is now doing more search warrants and arrest for major crimes. He’s one that is very vigilant but every time a police officer is shot and especially killed my anxiety goes through the roof. Does anyone find that therapy helps?

    • Deonna August 24, 2017 at 1:23 pm - Reply

      Hey girl! I’ve never done therapy but if you are concerned, it probably couldn’t hurt you any. I hope you have great support from other police wives in your town because sometimes that’s great therapy too. 🙂

  2. […] you haven’t read my police wife posts, please check them out here and […]

  3. Jessica November 10, 2015 at 4:51 am - Reply

    Thank you. My fiancé is about to enroll in the Police Academy. It’s a good thing I got to read this before he completed all his requirements (& before we get married)!

    • Deonna November 10, 2015 at 7:15 pm - Reply

      Hey Jessica! Yeah it’s good to know what you’re getting into but when you love them, you really don’t care! 🙂 Congratulations on your upcoming wedding!

      • Jessica November 11, 2015 at 12:19 am - Reply

        Exactly!

        • Jessica November 11, 2015 at 12:19 am - Reply

          & thank you!

          • Deonna November 12, 2015 at 6:10 pm

            Hey Jessica! No problem! 🙂

      • Ashley December 12, 2015 at 6:21 am - Reply

        Hello, I have a question. So my hubby is kind of the newer officer in the department like 5 yrs. Well the wives in the department have been around for awhile and have been able to become friends with one another and there kids . Well where we live there are small towns about 25 minutes away from each other and most of the wives live in the oher town and the one here are good friends with them. Well how does a newer wife join in with the click of wives and do things with them when they don’t really open up to welcoming me in? I don’t really have alot in common with them and I have 4 kids under 8 and I’m a stay at home mom and most of them work. That’s something I struggle with. And hope do u deal with staying strong in ur marrage when almost all of the officer have been married 2 or 3 times and they are negative towards young love and new to the job?

        • Deonna December 14, 2015 at 8:32 pm - Reply

          Hey Ashley! Some girls might disagree with me but when I moved into a new town, I thought I needed those police wives as friends but I soon realized that our husbands having the same job wasn’t enough to make us life long friends. Sure they knew about shift work, danger, etc. but so did the wives of the guys who worked at the local oil refinery. I never became close to any of those wives but had plenty of friends from church, mom’s groups, etc. If they are being rude and not letting you in their group, you probably are better off without them. Find yourself a great church and make some friends there. Another reason that I stayed away from some of those police wives (not all of them) was because they weren’t good examples of how to be a loving, faithful wife. Many of them had been divorced, were cheating, or other things that I didn’t want in my own life. Don’t let your identity be in being a police wife…I’m sure there are SO many great things about you that have nothing to do with that at all. I hope this helps and I hope you stay in touch! 🙂

          • kait December 21, 2015 at 2:06 pm

            Wow! LOVE THIS ADVICE!

          • Deonna December 22, 2015 at 7:11 pm

            Hey Kait! Thank you! Please stay in touch 🙂

          • Jess May 8, 2017 at 12:54 pm

            Omg!! “Don’t let your identity be in being a police wife…” That is EXACTLY what I needed to “hear” at this moment. Many thanks, Deonna!!

          • Deonna May 9, 2017 at 12:10 pm

            Hey Jess! I’m glad! Us police wives are WAY too cool to have that be our only identity…we are so much more too 🙂

      • corissa July 21, 2016 at 2:38 pm - Reply

        My husband has been an officer for 5 years now, and I consider myself well-adjusted to his one weekend off/mo schedule, working 2-midnights. With all the Black Lives Matter stuff and the Dallas cop shootings, I have a new round of fear in my life. Now people actually want to kill my husband, because he’s not only white, but he wears a badge. I’m also 4 months pregnant with our second baby (our first ended in miscarriage in my 4th month earlier this year), so I’m familiar with death in our family. The recent death threats on police bring about a new level of fear for me. How can we possibly cope?

        • Deonna July 27, 2016 at 8:04 pm - Reply

          Hey Corissa! Yeah this whole year of police hate stuff has really freaked me out too. I just have to trust that God will take care of him and protect all of the others too. I hate that you have had so much heartache in your life this year and I will pray right now for your baby’s health. Please stay in touch!

  4. Vanessa Cummings November 8, 2015 at 5:33 am - Reply

    Great list! I’m a 2 year deputy girlfriend, and we will hopefully get married soon. My boyfriend has 8.5 years of law enforcement under his belt, so he was pretty seasoned by the time I entered the picture. People ask me how I deal with worrying about his safety, and I tell them that I really don’t worry. God promises us we can cast our anxiety on Him, He assures us that He has a purpose and a plan for our lives, and as you reiterated, we can pray, which is the best thing we can do! I trust my boyfriend’s life to the Lord every day he suits up. No matter what God’s plan for him or for us, God is faithful and can be trusted, whatever may come. Thank you for your positive words! LEO families and spouses need more hope and encouragement and less fear and anxiety!

    • Deonna November 10, 2015 at 7:13 pm - Reply

      Hey Vanessa! Thank you for your wonderful comment. The promise that we can cast our anxiety on God is one of the most reassuring promises in the Bible and I don’t have faith in it nearly as much as I should!

  5. Rachel T November 7, 2015 at 10:33 pm - Reply

    My husband and I have been together 20 years, married 12. From the day we met, he wanted to be in LE. It has been a heck of a ride. He has been with his PD in a Milwaukee, WI suburb since 1999, K9 handler for 10 years, halfway through that, he was promoted to Sgt.

    I have stood next to him through every single step of his career. The goals while in college, night patrol, park and bark, all the applications, state tests (8th in the state – kinda proud), physical agilities, background checks, police & fire commissioner and chief interviews, recruit school, the hiring, being sworn in. The list goes on and on.

    For years, folks thought he was my imaginary boyfriend or husband. I’ve been the Ambassador of family gatherings-Holidays, Weddings, Birthdays while he is working. The Christmas day that he had a pursuit, my Dad called to say he just saw Kev fly by on a chase, are you still making it to dinner?

    The question and comment above, “How do you deal with it, especially lately??” “I just do” that made me choke up. Because I just do and will until he hangs it up. It is hard to put it into words. Either you do or you don’t. Together we have witnessed the marriages crumble under the stress and consistent inconsistency of being in a LE family. There were some dark dark days peppered here and there, but we’ve never broken up, never strayed, never given up.

    There have been times when we were waiting for the call for a SWAT operation where I had a bad feeling. Or when he came home and said, I need to tell you something before you see it on the news. He worked 2nd shift for 10 years and we are in our 5th year of 3rd. Pretty soon he will go to day shift, which for years was considered “career suicide”. With the Babes being older and in sports and school, it’s time.

    Most days Im a single parent. Our Babes will ask me if Daddy is working, is he home, or is he sleeping? Whete is Daddy? Our son wants to be a police officer like his Daddy, and go to work together.

    He shares most things with me, things that surprised me at first. I keep those things between us. I don’t tell stories out of school. That is how he copes, which in a way helps me cope.

    Now that we have 2 kiddos, we try to get away a couple times a year and squish date night in once or twice a month.

    I can’t complain too much about the crazy shifts, the long hours, the Birthdays and Anniversaries and Holidays not spent together. We just celebrate them at different times. It almost means more.

    Stay strong out there. It’s not easy, but not impossible 🙂

    • Deonna November 10, 2015 at 7:12 pm - Reply

      Hey Rachel! Yeah your comment sounds VERY familiar to me. I have had people ask me if I was really married from my hometown and it kinda makes me mad. I love your comment and your advice…if you have anymore holiday advice please email me because I think lots of other police wives would benefit from how to make the holidays special. I haven’t quite figured all of that out yet and honestly kinda dread the holidays sometimes because I know everyone will be together and that we might not be. Please stay in touch! 🙂

  6. Sara November 7, 2015 at 5:24 pm - Reply

    What is your advice for wives who do or at one point did work in the same field, and know the ins and outs, and have read the brutal and heartbreaking reports? I met my husband at the department, married him while we both worked there, and conceived our first child before leaving to stay at home with the new baby. We don’t have t.v., so no cop shows or late night news. But I’ve seen photos of the real things, been on the other line of threats on officers, and dealt with the scarey people I know are still out there with him. There are few other wives who have been in that position, so it is hard to relate, but definitely a real issue for others out there too. 🙂

    • Deonna November 10, 2015 at 7:09 pm - Reply

      Hey Sara! Yeah that’s a tough one. I’ve read some of my husband’s reports to just check them for spelling or grammatical errors and sometimes I’m like “what! You didn’t tell me that he did that!” or whatever. I have never seen crash pictures because I have a very weak stomach and am thankful for that but I’ve seen some of the crashes in real life and it can be really disturbing. I do know something they try to do is not think of the person as a mom or dad or daughter…just a person they don’t know and it kinda helps. But I know that takes years to get to that point and sometimes you just can’t forget that person is a very important person to others. I really don’t have any advice but just that you must be much tougher than me 🙂

  7. Evie November 7, 2015 at 4:37 pm - Reply

    Funny that you mention the part about velcro. When I hear that sound at 3 am I find that I instantly fall into a deep sleep because I know he came home! I don’t doubt my husband’s skill in taking care of himself, but I’m more afraid of what other’s disrespectful behavior will lead to. I’ve been married to my deputy for almost 17 years and he’s been on the force for almost 14 years. Even though sometimes it feels like we are two ships passing in the night (due to shift rotations) we rely on rutine sheduled phone conversations and date nights to keep strong. The more we communicate, the less fear I feel. Sometimes if a shift goes by and I don’t hear from him, that’s when the unknown scenarios start to full my head. Even if I get a txt with “busy” I know he’s okay! 😉

    • Deonna November 7, 2015 at 5:23 pm - Reply

      Hey Evie! Thank you for your comment! Yeah I don’t hear the velcro anymore since my husband is a police pilot now and they don’t wear the vests. I am kinda ok with that! 🙂 Yeah when he goes on flights and I am trying to call him, I get a “flying” text and I’m instantly at ease! 🙂

  8. Becky November 7, 2015 at 4:09 pm - Reply

    Just like our husbands have a brotherhood, as wives we share a sisterhood. I think that the article is certainly for some however it is not for me.
    I personally disagree with all points on except the one ‘Don’t assume the worst’

    Just like me I think there are some LEO spouses who, if/ when able listen to the scanner in order to have an idea of the kind of night he is having. AND to be informed and know he’s safe. There must be nothing worst than to find out from a knock at the door that something has happened to your husband. I personally feel that I can handle anything as long as I know what I’m dealing with. No surprises. They are rarely convenient.
    Cop shows and movies are just that! You can’t let your reality be affected by fiction. You watch Disney shows and know they aren’t real… Apply the same knowledge to cop shows if you enjoy watching them. It’s entertainment.
    I have had nothing but good experience with our Wcsd Wives group. Again if you don’t like something that someone is saying step up and say that the info may not be helpful. Be strong, don’t step away because you don’t like the situation.
    Just like any good relationship communication is key. If you feel that you want to tell him you are scared then that is your comfort level. I personally won’t go too far because I don’t want that information to leak into his mind when he is on patrol. He knows anyway. It’s not ‘ normal’ to see your spouse strap on a gun to go to work ( in other lines of work that is)
    I think that having knowledge of his night allows him an outlet to purge some of his feelings either before he goes to bed (or the next day) to help process.
    Our husbands are warriors who do a job that, lets face it, not a lot of people are willing to do. They are running to horrible situations to help people who many times hate them. Yet they do it anyway. They are highly train to handle situations that we can’t even imagine. They see things that humans are supposed to see.
    If you don’t know what’s going on in his life how can you be his tower block ? Reach down and find strength to be a strong wife.
    These are the points of view from my perspective. This is not the way you may view your life as a wife. All of that is OK. As a fellow LEO I understand that as well!

    • Deonna November 7, 2015 at 5:21 pm - Reply

      Hey Becky! Thank you for your comments. Yeah I agree that we need to be strong for our husbands and be as tough as we can. I wrote this a while back and have become much tougher since I wrote it. My husband’s job has also changed to police pilot so that has a new set of worries but I also am not as worried as I was when I wrote this post. I trust his abilities and know that he is trained. As far as the advice I gave, it’s for those who are in constant worry and stress…sounds like you really have a great grasp on that! 🙂 I don’t watch police shows because I don’t like violent shows but my parents are OBSESSED with Chicago PD and are always telling me about it! 🙂

    • Emily Dewey November 28, 2015 at 2:29 am - Reply

      Love your perspective. I found out my husband was shot over our scanner, and I am so glad I did. I was prepared for that knock, when it came. I could have been in class (nursing school) when I was tracked down to be told. Anyway, he died five years ago and I am currently in a relationship with another LEO. I still don’t worry every second he is on duty, who could live their life like that? If God decides it is his time, I have no control over it. I only want good things to come out of our experiences. So, get a will, power of attorney, and know what your partner wants in the event of a LODD. Enough from me. 🙂

  9. Rachel November 7, 2015 at 2:20 pm - Reply

    Great article! I have been a police wife for 3 years and we dated 2 years before that. I was terribly fearful of his job as first. I would wake up in the middle of the night and text him and if I didn’t get an immediate response my night turned into a panic attack! I have come a long way since those first few years and mostly because of the things you said in this article. The #1 way I was able to overcome my fear for my husband was to just give him to the Lord. I had to realize that when he is working I can’t do anything to help keep him safe…that is all on God. Since I made that realization I have been able to rest in Gods promises of protection such as Psalm 91:11 “For He shall give His angels charge over thee to keep thee in all the ways.”

    • Deonna November 7, 2015 at 5:17 pm - Reply

      Hey Rachel! Thank you for your comment! I married my husband before he became a police man so that was a lot to take in all at once! haha I agree that only God is in control and that realizing that takes off SO much stress! Stay in touch 🙂

  10. Savannah September 9, 2015 at 5:42 am - Reply

    Thank you so much for your blogs of how to be a happy police wife and how to deal with the fear! I am an EMT firefighter, as well as the daughter of both San Francisco PD officers. My father was permanently paralyzed from the waist down on the job and the struggle my mother went through on and off the job made me determined to never EVER get involved in that life again. However as always God has His own plans and now I am dating a deputy sherif haha. We’ve been discussing marriage lately and after his getting hurt on duty, I’ve recently had so much anxiety towards him leaving every night. It’s hard to keep a quiet mind when I know the dangers he faces, but these tips have helped me so much!! I got rid of the scanner and I stopped watching the news every night, now I’m finally getting some sleep. Thanks again so much!

    • Deonna September 10, 2015 at 8:04 pm - Reply

      Hey Savannah! I love that you’re dating a deputy! haha Yeah we never had a scanner but people were always telling me what they heard on it and I hated that! It’s always good to watch something funny before bed…I’m glad you appreciated my post and thank you for serving your community too!

  11. Cynthia August 21, 2015 at 1:29 am - Reply

    I am a newly wed to an NYPD officer. He’s been on the force now for 4 years, and we’ve been together for almost 7 years. I can’t tell you how often I get asked “how do you handle him being a cop? Especially with everything that is going on now?” I never have a good detailed answer. Because I don’t know. I worry, I hear stories of horrible things. And the only answer I can ever say is.. I just do. And if I didn’t love him I wouldn’t be able to handle it, or have even agreed to marry him. Tonight my husband was hurt on duty. Nothing to badly, but it makes ypu petrafied. And I just needed some extra support from women who know what it feels like to be scared. Thank you for this. It was much needed tonight.

    • Deonna August 23, 2015 at 11:14 pm - Reply

      Hey Cynthia! I hope your husband is ok! My husband has never been hurt on duty so far and I’m so grateful for that! Wow NYPD that is very special! Thank you for commenting and I hope you’ll come back very soon 🙂

    • Misty Rodgers November 7, 2015 at 7:05 pm - Reply

      Hi Cynthia,
      I’m so glad that he made it home to you safely. I had a scare myself a few years back. My husband was one of the many officers that were involved in the Pendleton, IN shooting. My husband happened to be the 5th officer from his department to arrive on scene, and not as soon as I heard him come over the scanner stating he was just about there, a call came over saying officers down. The gunman shot at two officers, grazing one and one was shot in the leg. However, before all the details or any contact was made, I was freaking out. I was waiting to have someone call or show up at my door to inform me that one them was my love. I did not hear anything about him or from him for at least 3 hours. I received news that he was unharmed and was still at perimeter. The officer that was shot in the leg was his partner. A fellow Anderson Police Officers wife contacted me to see if I heard anything and for me to stay calm. She was helpful and gave great advice. I would like to share with you. Fear will not leave you. Just remember to breathe before he leaves to work and never fight before he leaves. Kiss him, hug him, and let him know that you love him. The job title alone will have fear, concern, panic, and love for your LEO. She told me to stop listening to scanners and stop watching cop shows. She also said another thing that made me realize how life is precious. She stated “Remember to carry a strong heart, compassion, and love he will know strength from you.” I live by that everyday. God bless you and your LEO.

      • Deonna November 10, 2015 at 7:10 pm - Reply

        Hey Misty! What a great comment! Thank you so much for your great advice! 🙂

  12. Aubrie April 28, 2015 at 6:08 am - Reply

    I am so glad that I found your blog, this is what I needed to hear right now. I take away fears by pouring my attention to my children. I think it’s funny that your friend hates the sound of velcro, I actually love that sound because it means my hubby made it home safely.

    • Deonna April 28, 2015 at 4:32 pm - Reply

      Hey Aubrie! Yeah I don’t hear velcro anymore since my husband is in the aircraft section but I loved/hated the sound too. Yeah kids can be a nice distraction especially at night…if you are taking care of them it’s less time to think about the “what ifs”

  13. Rachel April 28, 2015 at 3:42 am - Reply

    I just want to thank you for all your honest and encouraging words. My boyfriend and I have been dating for almost 4-1/2 years now and know we want to get married when I get finished with my degree. He gets swarn in Monday and I’m so incredibly proud of how hard he has worked and so proud to have a man in law enforcement. I love how you keep your focus on trusting God because that’s what keeps me sane when the scary thoughts pop in my head. It’s been so helpful reading this post and the happy police wife one also so I can know what to expect from someone who is already going through it. I know when I start to struggle I can pull out my Bible and your post’s for encouraging so I can be the strong person he needs me to be.
    Thank you !

    • Deonna April 28, 2015 at 4:30 pm - Reply

      Hey Rachel! I’m glad you found my post encouraging. I hope you will stay in touch and hope you are a very Happy Police Wife someday 🙂

  14. […] more about dealing with fear, please check out this post too!  Good little tips to keep you […]

  15. Paige Ray March 29, 2015 at 1:39 am - Reply

    Hello, I believe every L.E.O. family has to find what works for the BOTH of them (and children, if any). There are times when we talk about nothing but the job, bad stuff, weird stuff, the politics surrounding it, rude folks, etc…then HE wants to not hear ANTHING from anyone about it for a while…just a lil break:-) You have to find that BALANCE. We All have to stick together:-)

    • Deonna March 30, 2015 at 1:36 am - Reply

      So true…we do need to realize when its good to talk and when it’s good to just be quiet or listen. We do need to stick together and I love this little community of police wives that gather around these posts 🙂

  16. Shelley March 14, 2015 at 1:50 pm - Reply

    I would add if you have a scanner, sell it or put it in the closet. When my husband and I first got together I had one and would listen and worry. Luckily he sold it. We also have a rule for when he is not home right after his shift. I don’t text or call until it is at least 30 minutes past.

    • Deonna March 14, 2015 at 8:17 pm - Reply

      Yeah great advice…I have never had one but lots of men at my church would share with me what they just heard while my husband was working 🙂 Didn’t really appreciate that information too much but they LOVED to talk to me about my husband’s job and I would let them. I can’t understand what they are saying anyways!

  17. Shantel March 13, 2015 at 8:16 pm - Reply

    Interesting reading.. I am a former State Trooper myself and a Wife of a career soldier. Agree with not believing all the hyped up movies …..

    • Deonna March 13, 2015 at 8:42 pm - Reply

      Oh wow that’s great! I think being a wife of a soldier is a completely different thing and I am so thankful for the women who support the men who protect us in the military. Sometimes when I am nervous about my husband I think about women who have a husband overseas and can’t imagine how they feel but I know God is taking extra special care of those girls 🙂

  18. AS March 13, 2015 at 2:23 pm - Reply

    “See you for dinner & see you in the morning, we love you.” This is exactly what I tell my husband when he leaves for his shift. He has been a Peace Officer for 10 years. I believe that not only do you have to trust that he is a great officer and will know how to handle any situation he is confronted with, but YOU, as his wife have to stay POSITIVE. Sure the thought of the possibility of some POS taking your husband from you and shattering your life is always there, but you have to be POSITIVE. I tell him we’ll (me& our son) see you in the morning because, dang it, we WILL see him in the morning, he WILL come home and I WILL greet him with a hug! Our situation is a little different, I am a 911 Dispatcher, a certified Jailer and am now the admin. assistant to our sheriff, so, yes, I see and read reports and see videos and so on and so on. The next morning that i go into work, I see the reports, I see what happened the night before but like I said, you can’t be scared. In a way i do believe that we are at an advantage because i can somewhat relate to his work, I understand that if I text him 45 minutes ago and he has yet to respond, he is probably on scene of a major accident or working a burglary, he will call me when he is done with the call. You cannot live this life in FEAR, it will eat you up. You have to be his backbone and always, always show him support especially with all of the hatred they are receiving lately. The Police Wife Life is NOT one to live in fear, but one to live with PRIDE.

    • Deonna March 13, 2015 at 7:39 pm - Reply

      Totally agree…I tell my husband I am proud of him all of the time. Not just because he is a policeman, but because of the man and Christian he is as well. Yeah I could never be a 911 Dispatcher…they need calm level headed people like you. I would just have a panic attack every call I’m afraid 🙂 I want to say thank you to you for a minute because you are such an unsung hero and you are there at people’s worst times when they need to hear a calm voice. Thank you for what YOU do!

  19. Lynndy Adams March 13, 2015 at 4:00 am - Reply

    Hello my husband actually went to recruit school with your husband and his name is Larry Adams. We have been married almost 5 years and together 6. I can totally relate to everything you posted about. I feared the worst every time he went to work and especially with the border operation that has been going on. One thing that has really helped me is having other local trooper wives here to confide in and know exactly what I’m going thru that I can call and talk to. It gets easier as the years go on and I’m not near as fearful as I use to be. I say a prayer and I make sure that he never leaves for work when we are angry with each other. I am so glad you posted this because honestly most young women do go thru this stage. Thanks so much for sharing

    • Deonna March 13, 2015 at 2:11 pm - Reply

      Yeah he remembers him! Wow that’s cool 🙂 Yeah I think this is just a stage that most police wives go through and hopefully it won’t last forever. I am glad you have such good friendships with the other trooper wives. My husband is off the road now and a police pilot so that a different new set of concerns but overall I don’t worry anymore because of some of these things I mentioned and just the experience of being a police wife for a few years. I’m glad to hear from a fellow Texan! Thanks for your comment!

  20. TM March 12, 2015 at 8:22 pm - Reply

    I am little taken aback by your advice on how to handle the fear associated with being an LEO wife. I have been married to my wonderful hero for 30 years and the last 18 of that he has been an officer. Your advice seems to be bury your head in the sand and ignore the fact that your husband has the job he has. When my husband wants or needs to talk about his day or what happened, I do not send him away to find someone else to confide in. I listen, intently and compassionately, I hug him or hold him and let him know that here, within his family, he and his thoughts and feelings are safe. They need to talk and having them suck it up or be afraid to share that huge part of their lives with their spouse is counterproductive to their well being. As in any marriage your spouse should be your sounding board, your confidante, your best friend. They should not be afraid to confide in you or share with you.

    I know it can be scary, especially if you are a new wife. I can tell you from being a seasoned wife, that I am thankful every day for the sound of that velcro coming off, I do not listen to a scanner, but I will watch the news. I watch because if something were to happen to my husband or one of our families in blue I would want to be there now, not wait for a knock on the door. (Because if we do, it may be to late.) And I dont watch the crime shows because in the crime shows the good guys always win, and we know that doesn’t always happen.

    We can not hide from the job they do anymore than they can hide from what is out there. It is our job as spouses of LEO’s, to be there, to be strong, to let him share his burdens, and for him to listen when we are afraid for them. Only then can you together be each others strength. There will be days when you think you can’t watch him go out that door one more time, and there will be days he may not think he will make it home. That is the life we have all chosen, be proud, don’t hide from the fear……face it, work through it, love through it. You can do this, after all when he is talking to you, you know he got through it, at least physically.

    My advice other than what I have stated, get to know your family in blue and your neighbors. Befriend other spouses, you will find some you like and some you dont. Share your stories, know that you are not alone. Your fears may lessen when you realize that other feel the same way, and can get through it. Get involved with things that support your department, officers, their families, or charities they are passionate about.

    When and if, and God forbid anything tragic ever happens to your spouse you will have built an amazing network of support and friendship. While it or they would not replace your loved it is always comforting to know that you were not alone.

    As far as the shift work goes, oh gee wiz, we are not the only ones, doctors, nurses, correctional officers, pilots, military, miners, truckers, fireman, plumbers and many others work shift work, odd hours and days away from home. If that is a “scary” concern then you should not marry a spouse in any of these professions.

    Remember
    “Courage is being scared to death and saddling up anyway” John Wayne

    • Deonna March 13, 2015 at 2:58 am - Reply

      Thank you for your comment and advice…I love it when someone can disagree with me a little bit and still be civil 🙂 I wrote this with young police wives in mind who have been emailing me for the past few months. They are all scared and laying awake at night worrying. These tips are for police wives who are kinda new mostly. I hope to someday feel different but I have been a police wife for only 7 years and that’s not long compared to the more seasoned police wives. I really appreciate what you had to say and I want you to know that about 95% of the time I can listen to my husband’s stories with no problem. Sometimes I can’t. I am glad you have such great police wife friends…that’s something I don’t have yet and envy in others. Most of the women I wrote the post for are trying to learn how to deal with the shift work and other difficulties that come along and I just want them to know that they can find ways to make it easier at first.

      • TM March 13, 2015 at 5:39 am - Reply

        I love a good debate, and one can always take wisdom from a good open discussion. It is kind of the same way with the blue family. There is something you can take from all, either tidbits to help be the LEO spouse you want to be or examples of The LEO spouse you don’t want to be. No matter what focus on what you do have in common, they may not share your faith, or your values, or interests, but no matter what, their spouse may not come home either, and their lives may depend on each other, and the bond they have formed. It is important to put in the effort to find the ones you do click with. You can do it.

        I can watch the true life shows like COPS or 48 hours but the ones like criminal minds, not so much.

        Remember our spouses go out to protect those who are afraid, and being so afraid at home, and not being able to work thru it, does them no justice.

        Good luck and God bless!

        • Deonna March 13, 2015 at 2:17 pm - Reply

          Thank you for your comment! Yeah it’s funny because I can’t watch the fiction police shows but I can watch Border Wars and we live on the border…go figure 🙂 Yeah a good debate can be good every once in a while.

  21. Stacy Berry March 12, 2015 at 7:37 pm - Reply

    I have been with my LEO for 16 years. In the very beginning , I found myself very anxious all the time, especially since he works the midnight shift. However, over time, my anxiety diminished immensely, mainly thanks to a very considerate husband, who leaves me out of the loop when he experiences bad things. Also, ALL of the tips you gave above were EXACTLY how I learned to cope and “forget” what my husband deals with on every single shift he works. Please don’t think that I am naive and have no concerns when he leaves for work, but the most important coping mechanism I have is the trust in his training, his street smarts and his dedication to our relationship enough to know that he is determined to come home to me. It’s not an easy life, but it also doesn’t have to be one of constant fear and anxiety. Communication is key!!! Thanks for confirming that my way of dealing with this life is not so strange!!!! Stay strong, ladies and trust your LEO.

    Many regards,
    Stacy Berry
    LEO wife
    New Jersey

    • Deonna March 13, 2015 at 3:03 am - Reply

      Yes trusting your husband’s judgement and training are also very comforting. Sometimes we forget they know a little more about law enforcement than we do 🙂 Some of us have to avoid the police “entertainment” shows and I think that’s ok. I wish I was tough enough to watch them because I’m sure they are good shows…my husband watches them! haha

  22. Deanna March 12, 2015 at 3:11 am - Reply

    Your blog has helped so much. Its something I will think about after he graduates in 7 weeks. My boyfriend of 4 years is in the police academy in Michigan. We live pretty close to Detroit so its pretty terrifying. He’s pretty good at keeping me involved with the academy. I’ll help him study and everyday after the academy, he’ll tell me about his day. It’s made it easier. If anyone has any advice for becoming a new police girlfriend, it would be greatly appreciated. ☺

    • Deonna March 13, 2015 at 3:00 am - Reply

      Ahh yeah I remember studying law terms over and over again on the weekends with my husband at first. Those are actually going to turn into good memories…I promise 🙂 Just remember that no matter what anyone says, prayer is the most powerful way to deal with any fears you may have.

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